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Thank You Chris and Caz would like to thank all of the staff at Georgetown Hospital for ensuring the safe arrival of baby Hannah and for all of their help and care afterwards. Many thanks as well to all of those who have sent gifts, cards and good wishes. Much appreciated.

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The Editor / The Islander Monday 18th February May I firstly say how much we are enjoying our visit to Ascension. I am Eric Mead, architect for Cable & Wireless, first arrived here some years ago. Dick Raynon came to the place to install and start-up the small Earth Station that linked the NASA deep space research with Maine, USA, and this has been upgraded since for continuous use. We have brought our wives, mine is Pamela, on her third visit, Dick's wife, Sandra, of course lived here for a while. Ascension has been an important communications centre for many years, and I am pleased to see the efforts made now to explain some of the points of interest. One would wish, however, to ensure accuracy and to avoid such distortion I read in Avis's notes. ' Wickieup ' was selected by the first Administrator to be used as his office and the courthouse reverted also to provide a central administration unit. The whole place was dusty then and Cable & Wireless were not involved with the choice of building. I then designed and built the present AIS offices and I note the efforts made then to shelter the windows from the sun there and elsewhere have been dispended with, presumably due to ignorance of tropical design by late comers. Avis also calls the St. Helenian quarters, opposite the St. Helenian Club, the " barracks ". This may have been a colloquialism, but the steel frame, 2 storey building was shipped out and erected by the Eastern Telegraph Company to house local staff. I consider it had become dangerous, out of date and had to be demolished and replaced with more suitable accommodation. This has since, I understand, has been further altered. The original barracks, now called the Green Turtle was refurbished with concrete first floor, by C&W and adopted as the Exiles Club. It was agreed by the Governor of St. Helena that the buildings extensively refurbished or rebuilt would remain for the use of C&W after their long usage here. So the typed extract from Jean Simpson's diary given such a prominent position in the Museum that our John Packer started is astonishing. Such a vitriolic paper either should be quietly put away as beneath contempt or our people here at that time be given wall space to reply. Needless to say, at no time were C&W given any priority. Maybe they were just more resourceful, or more used to the tropical variations that they had experienced over the years. The lack of water, sewerage, power and food was the norm! To come out to live in Ron Adam's ( MPBW ) new village with all mod. cons, one's own shop, clinic, clubhouse, swimming pool, school, etc. should have been a dream start. So maybe Jean Sipmson or her descendants were just a little out of order here. We shall see the replies we will get once a copy goes into the CAWPANEWS, our worldwide pensioners' magazine. Meanwhile, we continue to enjoy the folk, the turtles, the warmth and will bid you all farewell on the 26th. Salutations, Eric Mead

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THANKS Patrick and Inez would like to thank all family and friends who sent greetings to them on their wedding day. Thank You.

Once again it is time to say good-bye. This time we have the joy of having completed our " fish book ". We are grateful to Stephen Fowler for his commitment and hard work publishing it. We hope sales are brisk in aid of Heritage Society funds. We continue to be impressed by the creative imagination behind the displays at the Museum. The variety of publications, their updating and improved presentation is another delight. It is good to see the development of the Conservation Centre and the Island's commitment to the preservation of this unique environment. We have missed the presence of the vicar. It is sad for a congregation to be without communion, particularly at this time. Thank you for allowing us to be part of your community for the past six weeks. Good luck for the future. John and Jane Bingeman

Robert, Cheryl, Mario, Kirsty & Corey Wishes to THANK all those who sent their condolences and sympathy cards On the passing of a dear and wonderful man their Dad/Papa EDWARD JAMES ANTHONY Also Mervyn for conducting the service Neil McFall for the readings in Church Jane & Elmer for the preparation beforehand And Jane (again) for all her help on the Memorial Day Mum, Dad, Bessie & Tessa for been there for us And all those who attended Papa Ebby's Memorial Service and the 'Wake'. God Bless You All The Sons and Daughters of the late Edward James Anthony, here on Ascension, would like to express their heartfelt thanks to all those people who helped to comfort us, as we mourned the loss of a very Special Father, through your kind words, sympathy cards, telegrams, e-mails, and phone calls. Special thanks to our sister-in-law Cheryl for organising the memorable memorial Service and to all who attend; to Mervyn Isaac for conducting the Service and to Neil MacFall and Danielle Anthony for reading the tributes. The memory of our Beloved Dad will always live on in our hearts and minds. Thank-you for sharing our loss. God Bless. Sylvia, Robert, Joyce, Angela, Delphia, Mark & Families.

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From The Administrator

MAGISTRATES' COURT We do not have lay advocates in the same way that St Helena has but we have tried to have a small group of people who are willing to help defendants prepare their defence in court and if necessary speak on their behalf. This is especially important if there are mitigating circumstances. That small group needs reinforcing and we are appealing for volunteers. If anyone would be willing to help I should be glad if they would contact my office (6311). The above is not to take away from the importance of the public remembering that there is a Public Solicitor on St Helena. He is Colin Forbes and his contact details are: Tel: 3008; fax 3007; e-mail: Solicitor@helanta.sh Our team of Justices of the Peace also needs expanding to take into account various absences from the Island. Being a JP is demanding of both time and effort but it is a worthwhile contribution to our small community. Again, anyone wishing to be considered should contact my office. EMPLOYMENT CONTRACTS I have heard it said again that either St Helena Government or Ascension Island Government give employers instructions on the levels of salaries/wages. This is not so. The only salaries/wages that we set are those of our own employees. Geoffrey Fairhurst 18 February 2002

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From the Inspectors Desk

Last week we saw the arrival of the Chief of Police Derek Thomas. His visit to Ascension was a successful one. It is now envisaged to have the Business Plan for the Detachment to be in place by the 1st April to coincide with the Financial year. Although the Public meeting was not well attended I would like to take this opportunity of thanking those who attend and to the others who made themselves available for his visit.

We have received several complaints concerning loud music being played at certain Clubs to the annoyance of other residents. On these occasions the appropriate action were taken in that we advised the persons concerns who were playing the music at the time. The question has being raised when does loud music annoys someone? Loud music can be played to such a volume at any time of the day or night which can be of an annoyance to the other party. We are not preventing any one from playing their music at any time providing it does not annoys any other persons. There are others who are reluctant to report such matters because they are in fear that certain information is divulge on the complainant details. In most cases the offender will asked who made the report against them. To protect you as the victim and to keep up the good public relationship we have, I can assured you that no information is divulge as to who made the complaint. We encourage you make such reports at the time of the annoyance rather than reporting the matter a day latter, where the appropriate action will be taken. You should not be subjected to grin and bear the annoyance.

This is how a complaint of loud music is actually dealt with. On receipt of your report the other party is approached and informed of the complaint. They are than advised to turn the music down to a lower volume as not to cause any further annoyance. This is normally done is the Officers presence where he is than satisfied that the level of the music has been reduced. In the event a further report is made concerning the music being played loud from the same premises and after the first report has been made within the same day. The Officer will now be in contact with the complainant to establish in what way the music is being of an annoyance. This also enables the Officer to establish the extent on the loudness of the music in order to compile his report for court process. The Offender will than be approached and informed of the earlier events that he had not adhered to the advise given. The Offender again will informed to reduced the music to a reasonable volume and also reported for prosecution for playing loud music to be of an annoyance to others. In providing a customer service we will report back to the complainant on the action that has been taken.

Whilst onto loud music being emitted from premises there is also another cause for concern. There are a number of vehicles being driven on a road with music playing from powerful stereos. This also can be annoying to residents, and if any complaints are received they will be dealt with accordingly under the Summary Offences Ordinance 1975 for playing loud music in a public place to the annoyance of other persons.

You are advised to keep you music down to a reasonable volume so as it does not annoy anyone. Have you thought about the likely consequences that loud music can affect your hearing ability or further more you are unable to hear the audible sounding of a vehicles horn. You might just say it is not necessary to sound your horn on the roads of Ascension. There are certain roads on Ascension which warrants the use of a horn to avoid a Road Traffic Accident therefore you are advise to be in a position to hear the horn been sounded from another vehicle.

On the weekend of Saturday 9th February we received and dealt with a report of Taking a Motor Vehicle Without the Owners consent. The vehicle involved was a Green Vauxhall Cavalier car Registered No A149 which was removed from outside of Barracks 4 the U.S.Base. Whilst this case is still under investigation we are appealing to the public for any information you may have to assist with our enquires. If you have any information by seeing this vehicle being driven on a road and by whom between midnight and 3am it would be most appreciative of you to contact any Police Officer. Any information given will be kept in the strictest confidence. At present there is not a confidential crime line where one can leave a message on any matter pertaining to a crime or offering any information in respect of any other nature. It is anticipated to install a crime line. You will be updated when it is in operation.

A report of Assault Occasioning Actual Bodily Harm is under investigation which occurred at Travellers Hill on Sunday 17 February.

Reg Williams
Inspector of Police

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Statistics for the week ending Monday 18th February 2002

	Max (deg C)		Min (deg C)		Rainfall (mm)
AIRHEAD	30.5		24.0		0.4
TRAVELLERS	29.5		22.3		0.2
RESIDENCY	27.1		16.7		5.0
GEORGETOWN	32.0		23.0		Nil
ST. HELENA	24.7		18.3		11.6
FALKLANDS	21.4		2.4		5.4
BRIZE NORTON	12.8		-1.1		15.4

ASCENSION SEA SWELL FORECAST: Northwesterly 1.2 M reducing just below 1.0 M on Friday 22nd.

Sea temperature around Ascension Island: 26 Celsius

ASCENSION ISLAND: There were a few showers on Monday, followed by a more settled spell with long periods of sunshine.

ST. HELENA: Scattered showers. Sunny spells also, giving a weekly total of 50.7 hours.

UK: Windy and wet start to the week settled down to a colder quiet spell with overnight frost and fog patches from Thursday. The changeable pattern returned from Sunday.

FALKLANDS: Often fine though breezy. Chilly mid week - Maximum 9.9 C on Wednesday , warming nicely for the weekend ( 21.4 C on Sunday )

“METCHAT” ************************ “METCHAT” ************************ “METCHAT” ************************ “METCHAT”

It has been a rather hectic week as far as the metties are concerned, Paxo has continued to settle in nicely, but the Makem is now into the final few, hectic, days of his stay on this sun kissed isle, getting in as much panic tanning and partying as time allows.

Monday and Tuesday were fairly quiet affairs, no doubt due to the Snob Hill mob having had a rather busy weekend partying. Fifer, Paxo and Cornish kept up the spirit however by visiting the mess bar during both evenings.

Wednesday afternoon saw RMP, Casey Jones, Stan Vesta and Makem head over to Two Boats pool for a swim, though much of the time there was spent playing around in the pool with a squash ball. The evening saw the Snob Hill mob visit the mess for a few drinks with Falling Phil and Jan (Serco HR). This was described as being the start of the party for the Makem's departure. The comment was passed that if Jan had been a resident of the island she would be a legend as far as her drinking was concerned, (but then again the rest of us would be pickled). A good evening was had by all and it was nicely finished off with a quiet beer at Falling Phil's basha.

Highlight of the week was the Makem's leaving bash up at Snob Hill. The afternoon saw Rambling Roger, Makem, Casey Jones, Stan Vesta and RMP setting up the lighting and decorations for the evenings bash. To make things more interesting than a normal barbecue it was decided that the guests should come dressed as famous film characters. Many of those attending made great efforts, especially Stan Vesta, who ensconced himself in his room, armed with cardboard boxes, stanley knife, industrial staple gun and bodge tape. Much banging and cursing could be heard by those living in the vicinity, or those unlucky enough to walk past at the wrong moment. All was revealed in the evening however when he made his entrance as Fletcher Christian/Marlon Brando complete with a scale model of the Bounty.

A broadside of party poppers was unleashed along with cries of "Avast Behind" which did not impress the ladies who were present. Unfortunately for Stan the wind was a little too blowy and his ship was scuppered early in the proceedings. Best costumes of the night, by popular consensus, were those sported by Jamie and Mona who came as Fred and Wilma Flintstone. Honourable mentions must go to the Charlies Angels (Chris, Barbara and Connie), the Middle Aged Mutant Ninja Turtle (RMP…it must have been very uncomfortable in that sleeping bag) and Incendiary Ian as a fireman from Backdraft. The partying went on well into the early hours of Friday morning, with Rambling Roger and Makem being the last to take the very short stagger home.

Friday morning saw a lot of rather sore heads around, though by the evening, undoubtedly due to it being happy hour, everyone was once again in fine fettle. Several of the usual crew went off to the Mearsk for the evening, leaving RR, Makem, Chris the Medic, Stan, Connie and Andy. After a couple of quick drinks in the Mess, it was off to the VC (Makem's final visit) for an hour or so before we all returned to the mess bar to join Paxo and Fifer. (thanks to Mike for playing taxi). A few quiet beers outside the basha ended the night off perfectly, though Makem has little recollection of this part of the evening.

Saturday saw Makem at work, where he had visits from the Station Commander (checking on the weather conditions at Brize Norton) as well as Barbara and Chris the medics and Stan Vesta to look at the photographs from Thursdays barbecue. The evening saw most of the Snob Hill mob visit Tony and Babs Goddard's for yet another barbie, leaving Makem, Stan Vesta and Paxo to stroll down to the mess. We were later joined by Rambling Roger (after the Tristar had departed),Brian (comcen), Davy (Turners), Steve Wooley and Martin the new Serco admin guy. Again a few quiet beers outside the basha rounded the evening off nicely, with Makem making the rather silly mistake of falling asleep, so not surprisingly, considering the sense of humour that RR and Steve have, photo's were taken of Makem wearing paper plates, cups, brushes and mops etc. Cheers guys.

Makem's Final Comments.
It is now over six months since I arrived on the island, though in some ways it still seems only a few weeks ago. The island itself has a rugged beauty, particularly when viewed from Green Mountain, but for me the people are what make this place. The people who work here are of a special type, with virtually everyone being so friendly and easy to get along with. There can not be too many places left in the world now where you can go out and leave you room unlocked, knowing that everything will be fine. Unfortunately things are now in the process of change, and it remains to be seen how taxation will affect the balance of life, hopefully it will not do too much damage to the unique way of life the people have here.

The work here has been different and at times quite challenging, though trying to forecast for the island using the forecasting techniques that work elsewhere proves fruitless time and again. A fairly common phrase that is used in the office is "you can not change the laws of physics" to which the standard Asi forecasters reply is "oh yes you can".

In my time writing this column, I have tried to do it as a diary of the metties activities. I know this has meant that I ended up writing about the bars quite a lot, and I make no apologies for that, as this is how the guys and girls in the Snob Hill mob prefer to relax. The next scribe of this tome may well take a somewhat different tack.

The one thing I will not miss about the island is "Rumour Control". I know the island is small and with little in the way of entertainment, but come on, men and woman can have conversations and be friends without them having to be sleeping with each other.

Having said earlier that the island is a "people" place it is now the time to dredge through the memories of the past six month to thank all the great people I have worked and partied with. I obviously cannot name everyone, and to those not specifically mentioned, thank you.
To Pete and Jane Dunn, you both made me most welcome during my first few days here and have done so ever since. I thank you both.
The various movers, in particular Jim, Steve, Mark and Tom, not forgetting Baz, Muttley and Robbie, thanks for teaching me how to party like a mover.
The girls from Operations, Mona, Marrianne, Leanne, Tommy and Kitty, and of course the now departed Gary Bland, plus Alex, Ian, Spotter, Brian and Jonny from Comcen Thanks for the company during those long shifts.
Geordie and Karen, thanks for the friendly abuse, hope you enjoy your new posting.
Tom Ramsey (Turners) thanks for the many laughs.
The guys in the band, Paddy, Steve, RR, RMP and Steve Wooley, it's been a "Wild Thing".
The CSR crew, Bill, Don, Bob, Russ, Dover and Whitey, thanks for the laughs.
Last, but certainly not least, my thanks go to Boysie the Barman for looking after us all so well over the last six months. Thanks a million Derek.

I have made some great friends during my time on the island and the following people will all feature in the forefront of my memories of the time I have spent here. They include Thomasina (ops), who adopted me as her "Asi Dad" and spent a lot of time in my company early in the tour, Rambling Roger, Stan Vesta, Casey Jones, RMP, Falling Phil, Chris and Barbara the medics, Sarah and Connie, plus of course all of the Metties. It is with great regret that I leave them all behind, but it is time for me to head home to my wife, Sue, and my two Boyzzz. I will miss the afternoon tea/beer/laughter sessions and the great nights we had in the various bars and would like to take the opportunity to wish them and their partners/families all the very best for the future. Roll on the yearly re-union chaps and chapesses, may your cans of Ollies never go flat or your ships never get wrecked.

Party on dudes. Bargain.

The Makem.

 

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MORE VOLCANIC RUMBLINGS

The previous issue of island rumblings proved to be so popular that your intrepid correspondents fanned out across the length and breathe of the island eavesdropping in many a bar to bring you these latest offerings. As before all readers should be aware that the rumblings have no official standing and do not necessarily represent the views of the editor or local authority. However, remember, "Today's rumour is tomorrows truth!"
On a serious note. The great ASI mystery. Where do all the dead donkeys go? Is there a donkey graveyard full of bones? Where is it? Does anybody know?

Speciality Foods Soon to be Available for Marketing (see also suggestions for use of feral cats)

· Pickled land crab
· Crab pate
· Spit of tern
· Tern nest soup
· Donkey sweetbreads (RSPB suggestion to castrate donkeys)
· Gecko cream spread
· Cream of gecko soup
· Chocolate covered mice
· Cockroach crunch
· Guava jam · Guava fruit gums - selling point - "Pucker your lips when eating"
· Cactus milk

Some of the 101 Uses For Feral Cats After Trapping (see also speciality foods and entrepreneurial opportunities)

· Cats eyes (heads) on roads
· Cats tails as wigs for Rastafarians
· Cat-o-nine tail whips for sadomasochists
· Fried pussy
· Smoked cat
· Rib of cat
· Cat tornadoes
· Cat bourgeon
· Diced cat
· Cat fondue
· Cat paws back scratchers
· Moggy scratchings in lieu of pork scratchings
· Pussy board darts
· Unlucky Cats Paw keepsakes (unlucky for the cat at least)
Question : How will RSPB know when all feral cats have been captured?

Some of the 101 Suggestions For Use Of Klinka (see also entrepreneurial opportunities)

· Cat litter (to be called Klinka litter)
· "Kiss my Klinka " hats · T-shirts with motif "I've been klinkered on ASI"
· ASI Klinka shoe polish - selling point "Make your shoes fashionably scruffy the natural way".
· Klinka toilet paper - selling point "Treat your piles at the same time".
· Klinka trinkets - selling point - "They may weigh a ton but will never wear out and can be used on a BBQ".
· Klinka toothpaste - selling point "Save on the expense of ordinary toothpaste and shot blast away plaque at the same time" - instruction to read "Take a mouthful of Klinka and drive from Travellers Hill to Georgetown aiming for the potholes"
· Klinka sun cream - instructions "Pour beer over head, fall down and roll in Klinka until suitably covered"
· Little vials of sand and klinka as souvenirs · New hair removal style - use klinka rubbed into scalp
· Klinka Snuff Company to be formed

Entrepreneurial Developments, Opportunities and Suggestions
(see also speciality food, cats and klinka)

· Jolly Green Mountain Company to be formed to market ASI goods worldwide.
· Production of new children's TV programme to be produced entitled "The -Klinkas" (as distinct from the "The Clangers)
· Marketing outlet for fashion accessories - make a fashion statement - "Buy a Donkey Tail Fly Swat"
· Donkey skins soon to be available for production of genuine donkey jackets for use on building sites
· Crab shell jewel boxes (see crab pate)
· Factory to produce finger puppets from mice skins (see chocolate mice)
· Bids soon required to build dry ski slope on Sisters Peak

CULTURE

· Shock within the thespian world - Shakespeare play manuscript found to be originally entitled "ASI like it"
· ASI nursery rhyme variant to be taught in schools - "Baa baa multi coloured sheep, you have yucky wool etc"

Hobbies and Pastimes To While Away Nights And Have Hours Of Innocent Fun
· Train a shark to fetch a ball
· Train a shark for undersea security
· Train a fly to annoy those you dislike
· Nail a mouse's head to a Blue Peter badge (makes an ideal hunting trophy for your pet cat)

SPORTS NEWS

· New world sports announced - Baby Turtle Sea Skimming World Championship - due to begin around May. Object is to see how many times you can get the turtle to bounce along the sea surface
· Sheep (sans dogs) trials to begin by rounding up donkeys
· Donkey dressage competition within 2 years - first catch your donkey to train.
· ASI to send team to next Olympics to participate in down hill scree jumping.
· Klinka diving championship soon to be held again
· Tri-Island Sports League to be formed (Ascension, St Helena, Tristan da Cunha) - football, squash, badminton, tennis, rugby etc · Rope a sheep competition later in year for all wishing to be cowboys
· Donkey rodeo to be held in Georgetown shopping mall in winter
· Clay mynah bird shooting off of Long Beach
· Bid for Commonwealth Games to be made when tourist hotels available

Transport News

· Two wheel donkey traps to make a comeback as public transport
· Tachographs to become compulsory in all vehicles in effort to reduce speeding offences

RUMOURS AND SPECULATION

· Madonna negotiating to buy whole Island to turn into a hideaway (next child to be named ASI)
· Mexican thorn leaves found to have mild narcotic effect when dried and smoked
· Possible new ASI public holiday - Klinka Day (as distinct from Ash Wednesday)
· Following successful trial over past 4 years RAF to continue to operate job share system on Island
· Island to be declared R&R centre for all UK armed forces to alleviate aggression
· Donkeys and sheep to be replaced with blow up model - volunteers required to inflate via special valves
· Volunteers required to ride into sub space suspended from metrological weather balloon to take latest long range photograph of the island
· Hidden tax expenditure - Island plan for mass evacuation following volcanic eruption to be drafted and practiced each year.
· Recording studio for all natural sounds - including MVC · Boatswain Island possible new weapons testing range for UN forces
· Prison ship to be anchored off-shore named - HMS Klinka

LEISURE ACTIVITIES AND TOURIST REPORT

· Travel company considering opening Club Atlantic 18-60 Island Holidays on ASI
· Feasibility study to convert Tri-star aircraft to twin deck for passengers but will have to limit baggage to what can be carried in pockets
· Consideration being given to modify Tri-star aircraft to tow large gliders thus increasing passenger capacity
· Pan Am beach to become tourist nudist colony.

Local Authority Plans(?)

· New luxury tax office to be opened in Georgetown to employ all those persons presently not required to pay tax and thus raise more revenue
· Buy a pothole
· Adopt a pothole
· Sponsor a pothole
· Signs to be erected at roadside with name of pothole sponsor
· Each pothole to be given individual reference numbers - pothole spotters guide to be published
· Annual prize for the best-kept pothole to be offered.
· Annual prize for artistic design of a pothole to the awarded
· Prize for the most original use of a pothole to be judged by popular vote
· Observers Book of Potholes to be published
· Introduction of moles to join up potholes thus creating extra drainage channels
· Cannon to be renovated in time to fire a salute to the Queens jubilee celebrations
· Colour code sheep for census purposes
· Closed circuit security cameras to be mounted in main square Georgetown
· Security cardboard cut-out soldiers to be placed around Island to discourage visitors from landing

1st Ascension Guides The 1st Ascension Guides would just like to updated you on monies received towards their Expedition 2002. BOB-A-JOBS £123.00   VALENTINE DINNER 508.80   VALENTINE DANCE 191.54   ELMER'S LUNCH (UK) 20.00   TOTAL £843.34   Forty-Two booked in for the meal, (but on the day 3 had to cancel), which Kathleen Stevens (our very own personal Chef!) cooked and we must offer a special THANKS to her as she was at TBC in the morning and then at the Green Turtle for us. She must really enjoy cooking!! THANKS again, Katie there was compliments from every table. I do hope Jane has cooled off now from your 'HOT' soup!! Many thanks for all the help that was given for that evening by parents and friends. As my 'right-hand man' could not be with me I had 4 in the place of him!! David B, Tony G, Keith Leo and Tris. Thanks a bunch guys. Without you I would still be there now decorating. Mrs. Betty Joshua concluded the evening with a 'Thank-You' to all the Guides and those behind the scenes for making the evening a great success. Mr. John Joshua then presented Cheryl with a huge 'cardboard' cheque (the real one is in the bank) with the total amount of £1,500.00. This money was in the bank from the Ascension Skittles Association since 1981 and John decided to share the total amount with charities on the Island. We like to take this opportunity in thanking John from the bottom of our hearts for donating this tremendous amount of money to us for our trip 2002. ____________________________________________________________________________

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