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  Issue No. 2302 Online Edition Sunday 7 February 2016 
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Ascension : HASH TRASH - Hash No:1516
Submitted by The Islander (Islander Editors) 05.06.2014 (Article Archived on 19.06.2014)

It was a cautious band that arrived at the junction on the NASA road where dirt meets asphalt.


Hares: Soggy Boozer, Boozy Head

Hounds: Bus Driver, Dead Gross, Idle Trekkie, Hairy Hal, Hairy Leftovers, Boy Driller, Short Horn, Lip Service, The Last Turtle Head of Doom, SubSpawn of Turtle Head, KneeJerk Turtle, Tipex, Turtle Baby Daddy, Blade Runner, Dirty Dough Balls, Fondle my Badger, Dirty Bird Dancer, Simone, Finella, Ritchie, Mindy, Martin, Derek, Hilary, David, Gary, Kat, Laura, Chris, Laura, Stefan, Karen, Samantha, Amira, Corbin, Flash Cake, Sawyer and Jess

It was a cautious band that arrived at the junction on the NASA road where dirt meets asphalt. This was because a hash had been promised by the notorious boozy clan, legendary hares whose hashes still scar some hashers today. As more gathered, grub was collected in, as the endpoint was going to be at a different location. Boozy Head called the crowd in and announced the hazards; it was to be an 8 circle-check hash, with a bar check and two back-arrows. Hazards were the usual Ascension, alongside a vast array of little thorns to scratch you with and some steep climbing.

The on-on was pointed to the South- opposite to what most were expecting. Most weren’t fooled however, as the hash just followed the road at a pace until the first circle check at Devil’s Ashpit. From here, the route was pointed down the track that leads to a number of letterbox walks, and off sped the eager young hashers, with the elders in tow.

Hash was seen leading in a confusing direction, into a forest of Mexican thorn. But this was discovered to be a red herring, as the back arrow mocked the fooled walkers. Circle check number two was found shortly after, at the base of Weather Post.

After much speculation about where this hash was going, it was finally pointed down a dry riverbed, into the infamous Cricket Valley. This quote unquote "hellhole" was until recently thought to be a crater full of just Mexican thorn and tungi, but has since been expertly cleared by the Grecian McGonagalls, as could be seen at the third circle check. From here, the hashers were treated to astounding views of the green coated rockfaces around.

After this, the path led into deep thorn forest, and the views of the area were obscured. Passing only lonely land crabs, the hashers trusted the path for direction until the dreaded bar check was found. This mysterious symbol is a nasty trick used by seasoned hares, to indicate that there are three paths to follow, only one of which continues on. Once it was discovered, the hash continued through a eucalyptus grove, passing the land crab on the top of a tree stump which the Boozy pair had spent many hours training when they set the hash, before it stumbled upon the fifth circle check.

From this point, an on-on was pointed towards a tree stump. Under this stump sat a back-arrow, but also the mythical Oatey’s Oasis letterbox, one of the most elusive stamps on the Island. Newcomers to the site queued to fill in the book and get stamped. Meanwhile, circle check number six was passed, and the hash continued up a vertical cliff face, with merely a flimsy rope for assistance. All expertly clambered up except the assembled true hounds who needed a little assistance due to their lack of hands. Once most of the hashers had made it through, the hash continued through scree valleys. Those hashers at the back feared what lay ahead as the younger hashers were seen atop a cliff face – how were we going to get up there? With the final scramble completed by all the last circle check sat beneath the place that ‘shall not named’ Bloodsucker’s Bend, where stood a truck full of food, booze and firewood.

It also contained goodies that were bestowed unto Hairy Hal and Hairy Leftovers, who have now completed not only their final hash, but all forty-two Ascension letterboxes; but also two kegs of finest holy naming water, which were used to christen Fondle My Badger, Lip Service and Dirty Bird Dancer. Hairy Hal relished in his last chance to participate in a hash naming, and gleefully emptied a keg over Fondle My Badger’s head. These novice hashers received a rare luxury – a fire to warm up by which had been lit to burn the boots of the Hairy pair. After this, the hashers were encouraged to return along the road to their vehicles and, as always, the crowd of partially-drunken walkers dissipated. Congratulations to the Boozys for once again laying a brilliant hash.

Idle Trekkie


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