Ascension : Hash Thrash - Hash No: 1511
Submitted by The Islander (Islander Editors) 24.04.2014 (Article Archived on 08.05.2014)
It was that time of year again, where chocolate fuelled children wreak havoc amongst more sophisticated *cough cough* folk,
Hash No: 1511
Hares: Soggy Boozer
Hounds: Boozy Head, Bus Driver, Dead Gross, Idle Trekkie, Hairy Hal, Hairy Leftovers, The Last Turtle Head of Doom, SubSpawn of Turtle Head, KneeJerk Turtle, Brows, Lady Boy George, Tipex, Flash Hash, Ruth, Laura, Georgie, Corbin, Rachael, Finley, Sammy, Chris, Amira, Georgia and Thomas
It was that time of year again, where chocolate fuelled children wreak havoc amongst more sophisticated *cough cough* folk, the Easter Hash was upon us once more.
At the previous hash Grecian Granny Rations had decided that the hashers needed an occasion to get their best Easter bonnets out, after many hours were spent slaving away to create Ascot worthy hats, ranging from buckets to Go-Girls with flowers and turtles thrown into the mix, Grecian Granny Rations and her minions were a no show, deciding that an RAF BBQ was more their scene. However there were still a few hashers feeling that they were “too cool” to wear an Easter bonnet (mentioning no names *cough* Lady Boy George) who everyone thought would have gone all out on this occasion.
A mysterious man soon wandered in our midst announcing that he was an old hasher. There was much debate to what his hash name had been, once he had divulged that it stemmed from a feature of his face, names such as soul patch and goatee were suggested. These were feeble attempts and it was soon discovered that Brows had returned to hash once more!
Having earlier been noted, by some of the more “seasoned” hashers, it seemed the younger generation had come out in force, did they want to show off their Easter bonnets or was it the whispered promise of chocolate that drew them to this mighty hashing adventure?
The brief was short with four, possibly five, circle checks, depending on how adventurous the hashers were feeling. The on-on was sounded and another Easter Hash was off. Soon Flash Hash decided that the trail was not to his liking and thought it was best that he set his own, much to Soggy Boozers dismay (who had only brought one poop bag with her). In true hash style the trail was quickly lost (maybe Flash Hash’s plan had worked!) only to be found by Boozy Head on his mighty steed, Crutches, and soon he was leading the way to the first circle check.
After the 1st circle check the hashers soon realised the hash pointed up Green Mountain, fear started to settle amongst the troops, wasn’t this meant to be an easy hash? Luckily fears were set aside when the trail disappeared off along Dampier’s path. The 2nd circle check was in sight, we had almost made it when the unmistakable screams of a young hasher (Laura) could be heard. Had she fallen prey to the fiendish Zombie Rabbits? Indeed no, it was the revelation that Knee-Jerk Turtle knew the father of the man of her dreams, Harry Styles, but refused to introduce her that had provoked this loud outburst.
On arrival at the third circle check, Soggy Boozer announced that there was to be an ‘egg’ hunt for all the children to participate in, much to the disappointment of some of the older hashers. This consisted of three levels of difficulty – easy, normal and mountain goat, the latter being set on a steep lava flow to where all the teenagers were banished with the threat of no chocolate unless they found all the ‘eggs’ (which were actually glorified golf balls). The disgruntled adult hashers were quickly soothed by the procurement of Ascensions finest beverage – the shipwreck – courtesy of Soggy Boozer and Boozy Head (who had managed to catch us up). Suddenly, all were alarmed by the cries of a very small, white lamb, who seemingly mistook a startled Flash Hash as its mother. This was a truly laughable mistake as everyone knows no sheep on Ascension will ever sport such clean, silky locks. But have no fear - eventually the lamb was reunited with its actual, very manky looking, mother and the hashers resumed their appreciation of their liquid refreshments.
Once all the children had tired of hunting both the successful and unsuccessful alike clamoured for their fill of chocolate eggs, which were swiftly distributed ensuring a few moments of peace. It was then announced that there was a fourth, optional, circle check which would result in the achievement of a letterbox stamp, Dampier’s Drip. Eager chocolate-infused small children raced ahead following the trail, whilst a few of the (slightly tipsy) adults followed in their wake. Once the sacred book had been filled with the names of the hashers that had actually made it up the hill, the journey back down was a much slower affair, heralded by the cries of a small sprog whose imagined injuries appeared to get much worse at the bottom of the hill.
The on-on sounded and the ragged procession made their uneventful way back down the mountain side. At the fifth circle check it was noticed that at some point during the hash the bunny Tipex had been hiding in her bonnet had run away and most hashers woefully agreed that by now it must have joined the zombie rabbits (although not within Tipex’s hearing). The last leg of the journey was made without incident, with most able to deftly avoid the unforgiving Mexican thorn bushes that threatened to take over the path.
On arrival at the Boozy Abode, the end destination of this week’s hash, The Last Turtle Head of Doom was much relieved to take off his ill thought out bonnet, which had last been worn in the sub-zero temperatures of Greenland, four Easters ago. A competition was held between what was left of our Easter bonnets, with neutral party Brows being asked to be judge. The Under 10’s category was won by Georgia, whose lovely bonnet had been conspicuously absent from the actual hash. Idle Trekkie was the winner of the Teenage category with his mighty turtle-shaped bonnet, although the competition wasn’t particularly strong as he was up against a bucket and a drinks can… The Everyone Else category had the fiercest competition. Knee-Jerk Turtle was disqualified as lacking a hat she had fashioned her hair into flowery turtle nest but apparently this didn’t meet the strict Easter bonnet regulations. The Best Bonnet award went to Soggy Boozer who had artfully turned her Go-Girl into a vase on top of her head and Most Original went to visiting hasher Ruth, who sported a Yorkshire themed creation. It was an enjoyable end to another successful Easter hash.
Next week: 16:30 One Boat (The Boat)
Hares: The Last Turtle Head of Doom
Bring a plate of eats