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  Issue No. 2292 Online Edition Sunday 29 November 2015 
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Ascension : Hash Trash: Hash # 1509
Submitted by The Islander (Islander Editors) 10.04.2014 (Article Archived on 24.04.2014)

Are you sitting comfortably? Then let’s begin.

Hash Trash: # 1509

Hare: Mrs Palm

Hounds: Soggy Boozer, Bus Driver, Dead Gross, Idle Trekkie, Hairy Hal, Hairy Leftovers, Pestis Maximuz, Pestis Minumiz, Pestis Minutuz, Snowballing Grecian, Grecian Granny Rations, Lady Boy George, Missing McGonagall, BladeRunner,  Over ‘N’ Done With, The Last Turtle Head of Doom, Sub-Spawn of Turtle Head, Flash Cake, Karen and Samantha

Are you sitting comfortably? Then let’s begin.

Our story begins with a famed bunch of warriors that legends have spoken of, and that have ventured bravely out into the dangerous wilderness since the beginning of time. They call them The Hashers.

It all began one Saturday afternoon, with our normal band of warriors. We had arranged via the local newspaper, and word of mouth that we’d meet at the satellite dishes above the RAF base they call Travellers Hill. There was a noted absence of the Pestis clan, and Tipex but was chalked up to nothing serious. They’d probably be out fighting dragons again, or wrangling sea serpents. We had walked but a few metres, when out of the blue, the Pestis clan intercepted us! Is that even allowed? Anyways, with the (probably illegal) addition of the Pestis clan, we were off. We happened upon a hash trail that looked deceptively similar to the one us warriors should be journeying on, and so we took it. Turns out, it was in fact, the wrong way. After backtracking, and retracing, we finally arrived at Circle Check One.

Continuing along, we skittered along the side of Travellers Hill like, well, skittery things on the side of a rocky, slippery mountain. The hash trail then led us down the side of the hill, with Flash Cake and the boys leading the way. All of us were slipping, sliding, and generally making rather large fools of ourselves, when out of nowhere Soggy Boozer shouted “Get the dog out of the road! Boys! Dog! Road!”  And as it turns out, Flash was on his own epic quest. To stand aimlessly in the middle of the road like a deer in the headlights. Soon, all of us brave hashers were yelling, hooting, and hollering for the boys to retrieve the dog. Eventually, though, we did arrive at the bottom of the hill, at Circle Check Two, and to our great relief, Dead Gross had rescued the noble Flash Cake.

Our band of warriors then had a terrible and difficult journey down the dangerous, treacherous… road. I’m just kidding. It was a nice reprieve from our hash quest. Soon though, as we passed the God Be Thanked Tank, we were soon off into the prickly, scratchy brush and scrub. As we arrived at Circle Check Three, we all stopped to have drinks of water and Snowballing Grecian accidentally poured water down himself, and his breeches. Then the opportunity was taken to tease, and make fun of him mercilessly. The laughs and guffaws could probably be heard all around the island.

As we journeyed on, all of us were feeling quite confused. We seemed to be going in the wrong direction to the hut, and instead towards Sister’s Peak. This seemed very bad. It seemed like it was going to be a very long hash indeed. Circle Check Four presented itself, and we all took a fine chance to drink and relax. Hairy Hal and Dead Gross, decided that a useful use of their time was to collect trash, like good citizens. Dead Gross finished his rubbish collection by finding a sterling silver, Victorian tea urn, or piss pot, as eloquently noted by Idle Trekkie. He was then told that by no means whatsoever was it to go on the patio roof (It probably will, anyway.) and that if he wanted it, he’d have to carry it home himself. (Do remember, fellow questers, that we still had to go up a very large hill.)

So, as it turned out, we weren’t quite going up Sisters, we were going up Not Quite Sisters. What with the loss of Pestis Maximus, I don’t think we’ve managed it. But anyhoo.  We got up to the top, to Circle Check Five, and down below us was a splendiferous view of Two Boats, and right down below us, a good view of Tippex’s back garden. Blade Runner got out his mighty vuvuzela and gave it a hoot. And again. And again. And finally, our fellow warrior, who, as it turns out, had not been wrangling sea serpents, but sleeping, came out and waved at us. I think we even got our picture taken. We bade a fond farewell, with many echoes of the vuvuzela, we journeyed down the other side of Not Quite Sisters. (We had, by then, found Pestis Maximuz

Mrs Palm had forgotten to get us a bus, a fact duly noted by all of us, so we walked up Northeast Bay Road to noble Two Boats, and debated whether or not to go to the Two Boats Club, but decided against it. Instead we journeyed through the perilous playground. Turns out, it truly was perilous, for Flash Cake. He seemed to have hurt his paw, so Idle Trekkie and Hairy Leftovers took him to his house, while Pestis Maximuz and Minutuz decided to peel off and go home. The rest of us quested onwards, soon splitting into two groups, one that followed the pipeline around the hill, and one that crept round the back of the school. (Sneaky drinks were had from the water fountain that appeared at our time of great need.) Eventually, most of the school group had reached the end, while Grecian Granny Rations and Pestis Minumiz picked up trash along the way. Blade Runner, it seems, had been attacked by Zombie Rabbits, and sounded the vuvuzela (which doubled as a Zombie Rabbit Alarm) and hacked his way bravely through the scrub to join them. He then continued hacking through the scrub on the other side of the road. We can only hope he arrived safely as Pestis Minumiz did, pelting down the drive, shouting “Wait! Wait for me!” And Grecian Granny Rations, who arrived in a much more sensible way, just walking. We concluded our quest for this week by toasting our success, and stuffing our faces with junk food. Good times. Good times indeed.


Next Week:

Place:  Portuguese Trail- Half way down North East Bay road on RH side, look for the cars

TIME: 4:30 pm

Hare: Karen




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