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  Issue No. 2279 Online Edition Tuesday 1 September 2015 
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Ascension : Hash Trash: Hash #1504
Submitted by The Islander (Islander Editors) 06.03.2014 (Article Archived on 20.03.2014)

It was a scene vaguely reminiscent of an Old Firm match as the three groups gathered for this week’s hash.


Hares: Soggy Boozer

Hounds:Bus Driver, Dead Gross, Idle Trekkie, Hairy Hal, Hairy Leftovers, Missing McGonagall, Snowballing Grecian, Grecian Granny Rations, Over-N-Done With, Lady Boy George, Dirty Dough Balls, Happy Ending, Fondle my Eggs, Jacks  off all Trades, Pestis Maximuz, Pestis Minumiz, Nicky, Maddy, Maria, Eliza, Ruan, Human Mattress, Annette, Rob, Matthew, Wendy, Kim, Krista, Shannon, Lindsay, Tolga, Cordelia, Rebecca, Abby, Gaby, Christen, Emma, Pauline, Andrew, Rob C., Jack, Sophie, Ben, Edward, Rob W., Glen, Sarah K., Sarah C., Lauren, Thomas, William, Ryan, Flash Hash and Jessie

Après:The Last Turtle Head of Doom, Blade Runner, Janeand  PestisMinutiz

Bus Drivers: Laughing Hyena and Bum Fluff


It was a scene vaguely reminiscent of an Old Firm match as the three groups gathered for this week’s hash. The usual miscreants, a gang of North Carolina students enticed here by promises of glory from the Human Mattress. (For our British readers for North Carolina think Scotland without a decent whiskey to ease the pain).  There was also a group of Air Cadets, apparently some sort of punishment brigade on a forced march.   It wasn’t far short of the largest ever group of hashers that arrived at the IDL beach hut this week; in fact, if one more person had attended, it would have been as big a turnout as the red dress hash this year. The reason for this was probably the initiation of a new letterbox; that’s right folks, the honour of placing the stamp in the Porpoise Point/ Macfall’s folly cairn had been handed to the hash, just like pretty much everything important usually is.

The hubbub of nervous first-timers was broken by the bellows of The Last Turtle Head of Doom, who addressed the assembly with the pre-hash lecture that he spends his voluminous amounts of spare time working on. The number of circle checks was revealed as five circle checks, or nine, depending on your way of following it. The hazards were given as loose rocks, boulders, crabs of all shapes and sizes and of course, the Ascension zombie rabbit.

At last, the on-on was pointed across Northeast Bay. The little hash goblins dutifully led the way by tumbling off far ahead in roughly the right direction, until circle check numerouno was discovered at the opposite end of the beach. The number of hashers was so great today that the centipede of walkers stretched almost across the beach (well, maybe not, but who cares about a little exaggeration?).

The on-on carried the hash over a mass of barren volcano wastes and hidden golden beaches to the second circle check. At circle check number three, the unfortunately lofty Pestis Maximus took a fall, claiming “gravity got the better of me”. The hash carried on, however, and soon enough the crowd of budding trekkers were at number four.

The last stretch (sort of), quoted as the hardest, was across the pile of ash that is Porpoise Point, some of the toughest terrain Ascension has to offer. Soon enough, the weary band were posing around the letterbox with their newly stamped paper and the stunning views. Here’s a list that the people of the future have a right to know;

First person to lay the Porpoise Point/Macfall’s Folly letterbox: Idle Trekkie

First person to receive the Porpoise Point/Macfall’s Folly stamp: Hairy Hal

Right, now that that’s sorted out:

The remaining four circle checks were just repeats of the previous ones, which the hashers were not obliged to stop at. A handful of our number was fascinated to discover a mysterious blue probe washed up on the shore. But it was not removed, for fear of invoking the Men in Black.

Back at the beach hut, one of the goblins was almost given a thick-ear by TLTHoD on account of his poor education, but the after-party was, as is common with hash braai’s  a thoroughly enjoyable affair with more food and drink then anyone needed.

After quite some confusion with the hash buses, all of partygoers made it home, safe and sound.

Place: Sooty Tern Sign Mars Bay


Hare:Soggy Boozer

Bring a plate of eats


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