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Ascension : Hash Trash: Hash No. 1501
Submitted by The Islander (Islander Editors) 13.02.2014 (Article Archived on 27.02.2014)

It was not a dark and stormy night and the hashers that gathered were almost giddy with anticipation, neophytes to both the island and hashing had set this week’s event.

Hash Trash: #1501

Hares: Maddie and Maria

Hounds: Soggy Boozer, Bus Driver, Dead Gross, Idle Trekkie, Hairy Hal, Hairy Leftovers,  Cat Walk, Pole Dancer, Over-N-Done With, Doctor Doolittle, Missing McGonagall, Snowballing Grecian, Grecian Granny Rations, Lady Boy George, Asi Po Po,Flash Hash, Blade Runner, Fatal Extraction, Jacks  off all Trades, The Last Turtle Head of Doom, Emma, Eileen, Eliza and Ruan

Après:Boozy Head and Peter

It was not a dark and stormy night and the hashers that gathered were almost giddy with anticipation, neophytes to both the island and hashing had set this week’s event. Regular readers will remember in the conclusion of last week’s exciting episode the matriarch of the turtle people had volunteered to have the Funky Bunch set this week’s hash. What prompted this? Was is youthful enthusiasm, that wide eyed optimism we all once had. Or was it something more primeval, a return to the herd instinct?  The younger generation trying to force out the greybeards, exiling them from the pack and leaving them to spend their Saturday afternoons in front of the telly, muttering in their cups, about how it was when they hashed? However, in a display of rare cunning the matriarch chose not to attend this week’s events sending instead her scions in case events turned ugly. The Boozy Clan arrived with their revered chieftain on crutches apparently injured after a desperate attempt to regain a long since faded youth. There was also a new face, enticed by the pictures of last week’s hash and disappointed to find the men of the hash did not wear red dresses every week.

The brief was reminiscent of a scene from Ancient Rome, the virgin stepping into the coliseum for the debauched entertainment of the masses.  Sacrificing the last bit of her innocence Maria gave the hazards, loose rocks some scree, a promise of scenic over views and a possible sighting of the legendary albino turtle.

The On-On sounded and the pack headed off to the south east, as the last few stragglers showed up. By the first circle check the hash was treated to the sightof its esteemed leader, looking very smart and visible catching up.  The drove then headed past the Ariane site and along an upper trail, finally hitting the 3rd circle check and a spectacular overlook of Hanney’s Blowhole and the beaches. At this pointGrecian Granny Rations had filled up two carrier bags full of rubbish. This  author is fond of adult beverages but is it really necessary to throw the empties around on our island people????

After a pause for pictures, the trail went down the screed slope and across to Hummock Point for views of Boatswain Bird Island and the Masked Booby chick nesting on the ridgeline, who looked a little unsure when the sound of the mighty vuvuzela was heard echoing over the water. From there the trail led back down to Hanney’s Beach, where Flash Hash decided to cool off with a dip. After letting him paddle around for a bit, his foster mother tried to get him out, one thing she has experience with is getting ignored by teenage boys. After several minutes Missing McGonagall stripped down to his trunks to go in and get him out, the sight of which terrified a number of black fish and prompted the poor beastie to scramble out of the ocean and hide behind Soggy Boozer. In crossing the beach the hashers were also fortunate to hear Emma’s version of the famous Dirty Dough Balls rat call. Good tone, she just needs to work on her projection.

Getting back on the trail the rest of the hash watched the front runners, Doctor Doolittle and AsiPoPo take off forgetting that there is not one inch of Ascension that has not been hashed, you have to make sure you are following new hash! But they were heading in the right general direction and it looked like they were having fun.

 Cresting the last hill and making their way down to the IDL beach hash the troop was finally back together and all got the rare and breath-taking privilege of seeing one of the famous albino turtles of Ascension.

After regrouping and taking a pause for refreshments, there was hash business that needed to be disposed of. The ancient and mystical ritual of the hash naming. First up was the semi-legendary rambler Fatal Extraction, who would later confess she got off a lot easier that she thought she would. After extensive discussion of her chosen profession and that of her long time partner an unnamed (really the author forgot to write down who said it) geniuscame up with the name. Jacks off all Trades was even more difficult to name, family connections were bandied about until one of his work colleagues finally explained just what it was he did for a living. The Après continued on until dark and the land crabs started to emerge. Maddie and Maria left basking in the praise they had received over such an excellent first time hash, not realizing that now have set a standard they have to keep.

Situated in the middle of the Atlantic,Ascension presents an aspect of desolationdifficult to imagine. Whetherupheaved from the depths of the ocean,or changed from pristine beauty andfertility, by volcanic agency, it nowincludes in its circuit of more thantwenty miles (with the exception of thesummit of the green mountain) an uninterruptedwaste of ashes, basaltic rock,scoriæ, &c.; in some places so fantasticallypiled, that one would think thatTitans had been amusing themselves inheaping them up. (Lieutenant W. Allen,

R.N., F.R.G.S., 1835)

Next Weeks hash

Place: Springer’sBeach Hut


Hare:The Antenna boys

Bring a Plate of Eats!


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