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The Islander Newspaper Ascension Island
  Issue No. 2222 Online Edition Thursday 24 July 2014 
Home | January 2014 Please tell us what you think of this article. Tell a friend Print Friendly

Ascension : Zombie captain’s plan stopped in English Bay Sea Battle
Submitted by The Islander (Mario Anthony) 09.01.2014 (Article Archived on 23.01.2014)

Read below for newly un-classified log from the “South Sea Defence Core” about the pirate captain who was terrorizing the South Atlantic and how he was stopped of the coast of Ascension.

Admiral Blade runners’ log
20 December 2013
0900hrs
I arrived at the secret naval base of the coast of Brazil. The fleet of six Deep Sea Naval Patrol Hunter Boats are near completion, they should be completed by tomorrow morning. I have been to look around on the boat I will be on the “SS Stingray” with it full surface to air missile system, state of the art communication system and a newly designed zombie neutralizing weapon system.

1000hrs
I met my hand picked crew.
We have:
Armoured Ken- Engineering Expert, anything you can think of he can probably make it.
Danger Mouse-Demolishing expert, he can make bombs out of any locally found items-a good man to have on your side if you are running low on explosives.
Flame thrower Gus- A crazy son of a gun who doesn’t turn away from a fire fight and who once charged a platoon of enemy soldiers with a flame thrower.
Water Canon Gill- He is good at crowd control and close contact fighting, a good man to have on your side when the enemy gets close.
Signal man Peters-Navigation expert- a good man to have on your side if you are going into unknown terrain.

1100hrs
I gave a speech to the fleet which went something like this:

Good morning ladies and gentlemen, for all of you who doesn’t know I am Admiral Blade runner and for all of you who doesn’t know why you are here. You have all been hand-picked by me from regiments in the Navy, Army and Air Force to be part of a newly formed unit called the “South Sea Defence Core”. We have orders to Hunt down and eradicate the evil Blood-thirsty Pirate Captain Last Turtlehead of Doom and his crew as well as any sister ships he might have. Intel has told us that his ship is called “Ye Zombie Rabbit” and he has one of the most terrifyingcrews going.
Little is known about his crew but we have heard that his first mate Missing McGonagall is known to eat the brains of his victims.
Intel has also said of another Pirate Ship “Barrels of Fun” travelling with “Ye Zombie Rabbit”, don’ t let the name fool you though these pirates have been causing catastrophe’s in their wake and on any ship they come into contact with. Intel has also said they are equipped with canon balls and they mainly attack at night in the fog. Alright people we must now prepare our ships and weapons as we set sail tomorrow 0800hrs.

2350hrs
I was abruptly awoken to explosions around the ship, as I rushed to the bridge to find out what’s going on – just out of the harbour in the fog I saw two sailing ships. Blue blistering Barnacles, it’s, them “Ye Zombie Rabbit” and “Barrels of Fun” Firing at the fleet. I got onto the radio to all boats to fire at will at the pirate ships. With missiles firing from the fleet at the pirates and canon balls whizzing past from the pirate ships, I got out my binoculars and started to check out the situation ‘three of our boats were going down and our boat was taking on water and pitching to one side. With Armoured Ken working furiously to patch up the holes, Danger Mouse on the 9 cal laying the enemy with bullets and Water Canon Gill and Signal man Peters using their guns as Baseball bats to hit back the Zombie Rabbits that was being fired by “Ye Zombie Rabbit”. Looking through my binoculars I saw one of my boats “SS Manta Ray “firing at the “SS Bulls Eye”, looking through my binoculars, I saw that the “SS Manta Ray” was overwhelmed by zombie rabbits and they must have turned the crew.

With the help of flamethrower Gus, we stormed the “SS Manta Ray” taking out the Zombie rabbits and stopping the guns from firing on the “SS Bulls Eye”. Before we can apprehend the crew we heard a loud whistle and when I looked around I could see Captain Last Turtlehead of Doom on the bridge of “Ye Zombie Rabbit” calling back his Zombie crew and all the zombie rabbits. At that point the zombie crew of the “SS Manta Ray” jumped overboard and swam back to the pirate ships.

With a loud blood curdling laugh from Captain Last Turtlehead of Doom “Ye Zombie Rabbit” and “Barrels of Fun” disappeared into the fog.

After assessing all the boats and their crews we found that only the “SS Stingray” was seaworthy. So I then ordered all other crews to carry out repairs to the “SS Stingray” to get her ready to sail for tomorrow 22 December 2013 and to provide medical aid to anyone injured in the attack and to get the Naval Base back into operation.

22 December 2013
1000hrs
We finally set sail after a day’s worth of repairs; the fleet has only one boat now, just the “SS Stingray” I got in contact with the leader of the “South Seas Defence Core” and he has ordered us to carry on after “Ye Zombie Rabbit” and “Barrels of Fun” and he will get into contact with other allies to give us assistance- we are now setting sail for South Africa.

23 December 2013
2200hhs
I just Heard from control that the cruise ship “HMS Shipwreck” was fired at by “Ye Zombie Rabbit”, but before she could be boarded the “SS Submarine” and ”Team Supreme” came to her aid and “Ye Zombie Rabbit” just carried on with her original course.
Intel has said “Ye Zombie Rabbit” and “Barrels of Fun” is heading for Ascension Island in the South Atlantic Ocean. New Course now set for Ascension Island.

26 December
1330hrs
We Arrived at Ascension Island just of EnglishBay. Intel has said Captain Last Turtlehead of Doom is planning to take over Ascension’s radio masts to turn the world’s rabbits into zombie rabbits.
We were met by the allies the “South Seas Defence Core” leader was talking about.
We have: The Air force vessel “Team Supreme”, the US vessel “down Under”, The Ascension Island government vessel “SS Submarine”, the Babcock vessel “Cool Runnings” and the civilian vessel “Tin Can”.

Just as our vessels were getting into position, “Ye Zombie Rabbit” and “Barrels of fun” came sailing speedily from around the bay close to the power house. With Captain Last Turtle Head of Doom sword glistering in the sunlight he shouted fire and both their vessel opened fire on the allied fleet. I then got on the radio and told all allied ships to fire on the pirates. and group into the double pincher formation. So with that the “SS Stingray”, “Down Under” and “ Cool Runnings” went after “Ye Zombie Rabbit” and “Team Supreme”, ”SS Submarine” and “Tin Can” went after “Barrels of Fun”.

The bay then shook with missile and cannon ball fire and the sky was dark with smoke and zombie rabbits.

In the pursuing battle “Tin Can” took a direct hit an sank with her crew in the water and “Barrels of fun” Rammed “Team Supreme” and both ships sank. “The “SS Submarine” was then left to rescue all survivors of “Tin Can“and “Team Supreme” and take the crew of “Barrels of Fun” into custody.

As for our Battle “Ye Zombie Rabbit” fired Cannon balls and Zombie Rabbits at one of the land Masts, which made it unstable so “Cool Runnings “had to go ashore to stabilize it. Just at that time “Ye Zombie Rabbit” Fired a cannon ball that hit right next to our boat that the impending shock wave knocked Dangermouse into the water. Turning around to pick up Danger mouse from the water and to get a better firing position on “Ye zombie Rabbit”. I then noticed that “Down Under” was heading back to shore they were it by a zombie rabbit and it was running riot on their ship. Looking back at “Ye Zombie Rabbit” she had started head to shore. So we then picked Danger mouse up and powered back to shore, before we can get to shore Captain BBC of “Down Under” who was now a zombie climbed abound an in his hunger for flesh knocked Water Canon gill and Signal Man Peters into the water. Water Canon Gill than swam for the front of the boat and Signal Man Peters swam for the steps at the back with zombie BBC hot on his heels. Clambering on boardSignal Man Peters, grabbed the zombie neutralizing spray and with the zombie BBC now at the top of the steps, he douched zombie BBC with it contents. With a great big whirling sound and a big cloud of foam zombie BBC let go of the steps and sank to the depths of the bay. At this time Water Canon Gill was picked up and we pulled up to the shore a few minutes before “Ye Zombie Rabbit”. With the crew armed with zombie neutralizing spray, we then douched “Ye Zombie Rabbit” and her crew with the zombie neutralizing spray. Captain Last Turtle head of Doom with first mate MissingMcGonagall just put his head in the air and did his blood curdling laugh and they both disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

The bay was then thoughly cleaned and the pirates taken into custody and what happened toCaptain Last Turtle head of Doom and his first mate MissingMcGonagall, know body knows, but what I do know is that the “South Seas Defence Core” won’t give up looking for them until they are brought to justice.

 

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