Ascension : Hash Trash: no 1477
Submitted by The Islander (Mario Anthony) 29.08.2013 (Article Archived on 12.09.2013)

After the Hairy twins were impressed by Dead Gross’s steel toe caps TLTHoD called them over for the hash brief.

Hares: Soggy Boozer and The Last Turtle Head of Doom
Hounds: Boozy Head, Idle Trekkie, Bus Driver, Dead Gross, Hairy Hal, Hairy Leftovers, Over-n-Done With, Snowballing Grecian, Mrs Palm, Missing McGonagall, Herr-lein Disaster Chef, Silent But Deadly, Bladerunner, Derek, Shaun and 2nd Chance Squealer.
½ hashers: Missing Pieces, Hash cake, Beef Cake, Half a Cake and Smurf Cake.
Après: Sue and Herr-less Twitcher
After the Hairy twins were impressed by Dead Gross’s steel toe caps TLTHoD called them over for the hash brief. It read: six circle checks, hazards: loose rocks, rocks that are loose, loose things that were rocks and radiation. This last one could have saved the future of humanity and sterilised all the hashers.

At the first circle check our merry band of hashers found (warning big science words coming up) what TLTHoD called ‘a doohickey’ which, apparently was different to a ‘thingamabob’, a ‘whatsit’ or a ‘doodah’.

On-on sounded and they set off to find the remains of a dearly departed donkey. The children had fun poking around at various bones and Hairy Hal, Herr-lein Disaster Chef and Dead Gross hung back for a photo shoot with the skull.

At the next circle check there was a big rock and something in Missing McGonagall and Bladerunner’s minds made them clamber up it. After a while they decided to come down, thinking they might need permission from their boss, Beef Cake.

On-on over the lava to the tune of ‘I will make you deaf’ by Bladerunner and his vuvuzela. In the distance the half hashers could be seen on the dirt track across the ghost bird colony. Yes folks, before humans, birds lived on the pointy lava.

At the next circle check the younger hashers, Snowballing Grecian, Mrs Palm and the children, threw pebbles down a hill, amazed at the cloud of dust they left behind and the way they broke up. After a few minutes these pebbles turned into boulders stirring up a massive dust storm that will be blinding hashers for years to come.

Circle check no 5. was near a rock with a guano coating. Herr-lein Disaster Chef found an urge to climb up this pillar of poop and sit on his seat of Scheiße. At the bottom was poor little Idle Trekkie worrying for his health.

Eventually the hashers reached the Boresight Tower with just a short track home. In the dust were messages from the children about how they feel about life which Idle Trekkie took into his head to scuff up.

After the hash TLTHoD decided to let his inner dictator take over and tried to name Becca‘quarter cake’ as it was her place in the cake family. Boozy Head put a stop to this nonsense and suggested ‘cupcake’ and ‘fairy cake’ but both suggestions were dropped in favour of ‘Smurf Cake’ as of her hair colour of blue. She was accepted and soaked and surprisingly none of her blue hair ran away. The air turned the colour of Smurf Cake’s hair when TLTHoD announced Over ‘n’ Done With’s forthcoming move to middle age and advanced her age by at least 10 years.

The Après included Soggy Boozer feeding her pets, Snowballing Grecian and Mrs Palm in the same style as Half a Cake. Hash Cake who said she’d had ‘just a quick one’ had to check if Snowballing Grecian was still sticky this morning after his close encounter with Smurf Cake the night before. The Hairy twins used their fake iPad to try and introduce TLTHoD to this ‘modern music’ idea, but he told them where to get off and lit another roll-up.

Place: Turtle Shell/MOD Beach Hut
Time: 4.30pm
Hare: The Last Turtle Head of Doom
Bring a plate of eats.
Join the half hashers for a family friendly hash suitable for all ages or take the more challenging full hash. Barbecue at the beach hut afterwards.
Date for your diary: 7th September – Over ‘n’ Done With’s big birthday hash at Garden Cottage – bring your toothbrush.
“You got enemies? Good. That means you stood up for something.”

Eminem.

Dead Gross